Goodnight, Sweet Prince

It has been a few days since the Democrats snatched control of the House and Senate, and, although this is far from a surprise, the Republicans are still spitting and sputtering. The one Republican I really feel sorry for is our own John Gard who lost against "Dr. Millionaire," Democrat Steve Kagen. Now, I'm not the kind of guy who'd rub such a crushing defeat in the face of the venerable Mr. Gard, and I'm not the kind of guy who'd remind him that I wrote a letter explicitly stating he couldn't go the distance if he didn't inject some semblance of humanity into his politickin'.

In fact I'd like to offer some advice, don't think of it as though you're losing the chance at a comfy House position, Former Republican Congressional Candidate John Gard, think of it as a chance to spend more time with your family, read the classics (like "A Walk to Remember" by Nicholas Sparks) or hunt on that land in Lena you're so fond of. I'd even like to take this opportunity to thank you.

Thank you, John Gard, for coordinating such an intellectually insulting campaign. Thank you for restoring my faith in the Democratic system. Thank you for never - not even once - deviating from the pre-approved script and staying true to your Republican grooming. Most of all I'd like to thank you for losing, so you can stay at home and hold your unenlightened opinions about stem cell research, the Iraq War and gay marriage in private without writing them into law. But I shouldn't be the one thanking you, you should be thanking Steve Kagen for winning, because if at the end of the day he wasn't victorious you'd probably be seeing him again in court for all of the slanderous remarks you waged against him. Just think of it, you're a lucky man after all.

So, I must bid you goodnight. Lay your head on that pillow and dream of the fall of The New York Times or of the abolition of environmental restrictions or of Pat "Mr. Universe" Robertson setting the headquarters of the ACLU ablaze. Because for the rest of us the nightmare has ended and the dream has just begun.