I was a victim of a victimless crime

Although it may not seem like it sometimes, my dirty little secret is I'm not perfect.

So, when I was pulled over for speeding (43 in a 25, ouch) I was reminded of my own infrequent lapses of judgment. But in addition to the $100 fine, the officer handed me a second pink slip along with a tongue-lashing.

"You know, you can't put your seatbelt on right before you get into an accident - it doesn't work that way. That's why I wrote you this." He showed me the $10 fine for failing to wear my seatbelt. "No points will be deducted from your license, but I'm giving you this because we care about you."

I swear on the life of my mother he said that: "we care about you." He even used the word "we". That's right, goddamn "we"! Well, I plucked the tickets out of his hands, quartered them and blew the pieces in his face saying: "If you -- I assume by 'we' you mean 'the state' -- if you care about me so bloody much why do you steal from me every paycheck? Why do you demand a tax on my labor and donate it to a bunch of corporate bullies? And why, dear Officer, do you work for such a corrupt institution as the state that passes bullshit legislation like seatbelt laws and marijuana prohibition to further the stranglehold it has on my personal life? Is your unit so diminutive you need to dominate others to improve your self-esteem? You make me sick, Sir. And I will never, ever..."

Okay, that didn't happen. What I really did is take the tickets and drive away. But when I send the money in mid-December I'll be sure to attach a Krispy Kreme's coupon. I hear they're having a 2 for 1 special all next month. Or, I might just send him a brochure to Jenny Craig, just because I care.